Lone soldier, on the dusty road.

Experiencing this feeling, it is not unfamilliar to me.

Friends are changing, my life is changing, I am changing.

Inside, I just want to run away with the night wind.

I don't want to change, I won't let you spirit me away,

Like everything else, taken away by the Red Tide.

Another meaningless week. We went into the jungle again, my spirit was just not there for SIT test, so I gladly sat it out while the rest of the company went through the mud planting mines and shooting imaginary rockets from LAWs.
 

It has been raining a lot these few days...and nights. Shivers and chills kept me company through those cold nights under my small tarpaulin tent. I just wished I had a cigarette to help me get my mind off things, non-military things. I was wedded with a very bad cough for the next few days. The jungle was cold this time, much different from the jungle I knew before the rain came. It is strange that the rain always comes during a "mid-life" crisis. Maybe I am a weather god, and the rain comes when my emotions call for it, but never mind all that trash talk.

All alone beside my tent, under a night sky in a nothern island, my platoon mates all asleep now. Looking up only to find just one star. A lone star, a warrior fighting against isolation; yes, it was all alone on that very night in the sky, even the moon was too shy to accompany it. At least my lonestar still shone admist the darkness. People used to follow lonestars in the past. Just a single bright star guided wisemen to a messiah in whom I've lost much faith in.

But I'm feeling more like a falling star these nights. Earning no place in the heavens, I have been cast down to earth amongst ground crawling mortals. Severely depressed, realizing that I am forever trapped in this mundane world, now I walk aimlessly with nowhere to go. I'm still dreaming about my island in the sky, but I can't go back, yet unwilling to engage in the practices of mortal men.

When will I be free?

Mortal men, did the Bible not mention never to trust in them, but only in God? But which preacher once told me that God works miracles through men? Right now, I just don't want to trust in either. God. Eveyone says that when things happen, there has to be a reason. When things don't work out, it just wasn't God's plan, that he has something better in store, just be patient. How long more, God?

Some people realize their calling early, that must have been God's plan. But for people like me, I feel a calling, but don't know what it is, all I know is that I want to be free. Free from what? Sin? Wasn't there once when I had kept all your laws the best I could, inscribed your commandments in my once naive heart, and yet, found myself only further from heaven, and more alienated from the church? Yes, so I came to the conclusion, that the church is no different from the rest of the secular world. Just a group of people trying who are trying to do the right thing. Doesn't everybody think they're right? 

That however, is not important to me. What is important is that I never found acceptance, and I had to keep up a stupid smile. Why did you have to make me so different? Now I'm alone. But even I was fine with that when I had a dream.

I don't have a dream anymore, no hope for a distant future in which I would be happy with the way things turned out. Dreams, are they not what we go to when everything else fails? All I had were dreams. Just me and my dreams together in my world. Now there is only despair because without my dream, I have no spirit to fight through reality.

The last time I wrote something in this journal, that was two weeks ago, but it feels like a year.

Unlike most Army generals you see in the movies, or leaders, I do not come to you to win your support, nor to speak words that hide an empty meaning just to boost your morale for a war. No, I do not. I come to you today, simply to share with you an account of my war.

Everyone has something they fight for in tough times. Some fight for the people they love. Some fight for their gods. Some fight for their dreams. Dreams. It hurts to mention that word now. Until then, everything had been done just to meet my dream. But now that the dream is gone, I am left without any sense of direction. Life's meaning has never been so unclear.

Thing were to get much worse.

That first week, we had spent in the jungle. Many of us had complained about many things, but I didn't feel so much of a need to complain anymore. I had been through hell in two days and counting at that moment, hell is a place where man and dream are separated. Still, it was a tough week, and I had nothing to think of which would guide me through that week. We had been digging most of the time, digging our shell scrapes. A shell scrape is like a trench, but more shallow, wide enough for you to sleep in and not be exposed above ground level. Some would informally call it a shallow grave.

We worked the soil from day till night. Some of us were tired and we sat next to our shell scrapes, seeking some rest. I had lied down on the muddy ground that night, looking up at the stars. It was against orders to lie down, but I did it anyway, I wouldn't be caught so easily. I felt, at one moment, rather distressed. I had been taken out of civilization and put into a jungle, and the people I cared about seemed so far away. It was only because of the obvious fact that I was in Tekong while they were in mainland, no, it was much deeper than that. Over the weeks in BMT, the distance between me and my friends and family have grown. I just felt more alone than ever. Being with my platoon didn't qwell the sensation of loneliness, because I simply did not enjoy their selfish company.

At some point, I looked around at my surroundings, wondering. Man. We were born in the jungle. We lived in the jungle once. Hunter-gatherers. At some point, each man was a hermit. Each man lived on his own. And now I was alone. Perhaps, if I had been alone in the jungle, I could just be myself, and no one would care because they're all so far away. Come away O human childe, to the waters and the wild, with a fairy hand in hand, for this world is more full of weeping than you can understand. I remember that verse from a poem by William Yeats. Only perhaps now, did I understand what it meant. If only I had the courage to leave behind civilization, and go to the wilderness alone as a free man.

That would do nothing of course, to put my dreams back together. That would not make everything alright. That's just a coward's solution, running away from reality. I am not a coward. The people who let me down, they are the ones who are cowards. I am a victim of cowardice. Cowardice, along with the rest of the seven sins. Sins, everyone commits them. But the ones who gets hurt most by all that sinning, it is not the sinner. It is always the ones around him. That goes for all the laws and rules and everything that was ever stated to govern the actions of men. People who follow laws always end up getting hurt more than those who don't. We live inside an imperfect world, for a law to work, everyone must follow it.

I must stop here. I must admit, it hurts my brain when I think so much. I know no matter how much I think, I will never make sense of the emptiness inside me. I'll only be hurting myself even more. But I know one thing now, I know that when I am alone, I am safe. And I want to run into the forest, chasing fairies, even if the other cowards will percieve that as a cowardly act. Hah, I guess that will make them hypocrites too.

I know better. After all, they have strength only in their numbers. But real courage comes from an individual, and I stand alone.

A mass of incoherence in my chest. Little words that spit and slur out in broken rhythm, trying to make sense of the ball of mixed emotions inside.
 

Lord, please let me die. I couldn't help but pray for an accident on the cab. Something, anything that would lift my tortured soul from the earth. I can't care anymore if I go to hell or heaven. I am already in a hellish place, amongst selfish animals that have let me down countless times. Dreams were all that I had once, they gave me some kind of hope in a relentless world. But now, my dreams are dead, and my faith in people has been overturned. My heart is filled with hate.

I wish everyone knew how I felt, if only there were some way to let them feel the pain I have accumulated through the years, taste the bitterness in my mouth. Betrayal after betrayal. Everyone should just be dead. I want the whole world to weep, to feel a pain they can never understand.

I tried to understand the pain. I looked in my mirror, tried to stare into my own hollow eyes. Tears have failed to fall out, tears are but for children. But I am a child, I have been a child since the beginning, but no tears came. I have tried the ears of my friends, but I couldn't find the words, I could not describe the feeling I felt. I look in the mirror and can only hate what I saw. Rejected even by myself. How can I learn to love if I was never loved since the beginning?

You have neglected me since the beginning, now the feeling has persisted. It had hid itself inside me, waiting. I must be broken even now when I thought I was alright. God you have lost me since the beginning, even when you beckoned me to come to church, you had already lost me. Peace, how can it be for those whose souls have been destroyed? If you can't fix a broken part, you must replace it. That was what they said. Then what about the broken part? Is it to be tossed into oblivion forever?

I am that broken piece, and I have been thrown out, and I have suffered because it is your fault that you made me this way. You have lost me forever. I am your unwanted child. Why did you allow me to be born into this bitter place? The world has disowned me, you have disowned me. But I am given no consolation because you will burn me together with the rest of the world.

And I don't mind at all, as long as the rest of the world burns.

Soldier boy. Oneday, he comes home from a war back to the people he knew in the civillian world, and realized how things have changed.
 

I asked God why it had to be this way. I had put all my hopes into this. I prayed so much about it. My life revolved around it. My soul was in there along with my heart. But now it is all gone, moved on without me. How do you think I feel? I cannot explain it. I don't know if I have any soul left.

Music. Little sounds in different frequencies and timbre. A band that had the music and the attitude. I loved it, I felt like I could fly. But now its over. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. Today I woke up and refrained from looking in a mirror, afraid to see my own eyes which no longer gleam with spirit. They say it was because of me. Because I had no 'chemistry' with them. They said it was not a musical thing, more of a personal thing, they just couldn't make music with anyone when they don't have chemistry.

I feel disappointed. Were we not friends for so long? Friends should understand each other, does this mean that I've been playing in the band in my own separate corner all along? Now I've been abandoned, like so many other times. They tell me I do not listen, I am hard to understand, a bit too eccentric, words they say bounce off a wall of glass around me. They couldn't even look me straight in the eye.

Why did you make me God? More specifically, why did you make me the way I am? Why did you make a glass wall around me? My friend once said he suspected me of having autism. I didn't think too much about it, but now, I am convinced, that you God, you have disabled my ability to relate and interact with people. Everyone says that no man is an island, and I once blindly agreed. But God, you have made me as an island, against my will. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, I guess I had always been alone since the start.

God you gave me some good friends. But now, I doubt any one of them could understand how black my soul has become. After this incident, I have doubts about friends, whether they had ever understood anything about me. Perhaps they had gone the extra mile, trying to break this glass wall around me, and then given up. Were my friends simply being my friends out of sympathy? Friends, they are supposed to enjoy the company of each other. But was my company not enjoyed, but tolerated?

Why was I made God? What point are you trying to prove? God you gave me many talents, and many other gifts. But you gave me a curse and that was all it took to ruin everything. You have cursed me to walk the earth all alone. My heart is wrenched and withered beyond its years. Indeed, I feel more alone than ever.

I assure you God, I always had the best of intentions. I just wanted to make things better for myself and others. But after this, there is a huge hole in my heart that will keep me awake every night and a longing for death to arrive fast in the day. Yes, death. I once said, I would rather die than live without dreams. My dreams are broken now, but I realize that I am just too much of a coward to throw myself into death's embrace. I must now live the rest of this bitter life, as if it were a jail sentence, as if it were a wife that has gone cold through the years.

But I really want to die, God.

There is so much pain, that I can no longer feel a thing.

My soul is now completely destroyed.

I wonder what there is to look forward to anymore.

Tekong, a hell on earth, put you straight to the test.
 

But the back-breaking training and stern regimentation is the least of my hardships. Surprisingly, the largest test for me there is still my awkward interaction with my platoon mates. I detest them. Find it hard to talk to them about anything. I've been, in recent years, very guarded towards people.

I've been questioning the system. Because NS is full of rules, I've been asking, why do men have to follow rules? There are no rules in the animal kingdom. My Officer mentioned once, the difference between man and animal is that man can differentiate between whats right and wrong. But who can be sure what is right and what is wrong? Isn't right and wrong something that was created by men? Just like rules, to keep us safeguarded from harming one another. But often, in our civilized world, it is always those who follow the rules who get hurt in the end.

Duty. We must do our duty, they say. It is something which isn't new to me, but only recently, has come into my focus. Duty. What's so special about it? Why do men have duty? Is it not any different from religion?

Team work. It only works when everyone does their part, whether they like it or not. But I do not like it. My teammates only slow me down if I dislike them, cannot work with them. I now believe, real courage and honour comes solely to individuals. Is it not much harder to brave hardships by yourself? I'd rather brave them myself than behind a group of cowards, each taking cover behind a stronger man. I never liked being around anyone for too long, they just never understood me or what my actions meant. Civilized living, behind all that crap is just another stupid excuse for a weak person to climb on top of a stronger person.

But I'll play your game for now. Yes, I'll play your game, and show you what it means to be strong.

Is this love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URR5U-97tCo

So first week wasn't that bad.

Okay well, it was bad at first, but I got used to it really quick. Having meals within 10 minutes, waking up at 530 every day, and not being able to fidget while at attention, smoking only 1-2 cigarettes a day. And a whole bunch of other shit. But that really took my mind off a lot of things, I guess I can say I've found a reason to like staying in camp. I wouldn't have to worry about many other things.

I met up with her tonight, finally. It was nice seeing her again, it was nice to be updated after not seeing her for so long. So, now I know a little more about this mysterious one.

What I learnt about her, the contents are not very nice to hear though. I found out she had been having several one night stands and that she's actually someone else's mistress. I never knew I had a friend who was someone else's mistress up till now. But I don't feel sad. Because I probably never loved her that much, and partly because I kind of anticipated it. Well, she said she felt happier this way, so I'm glad for her I guess. I know I'm always playing with fire, always riding on the edges, and I know enough of the dangers. The girls I'm always after, they're always way out of my league, or wild in the gutters. I'm always threading between heaven and hell.

But I finally met her, it was an experience I was looking forward to. Mysterious woman, I just want to know a little bit more about you. Mysterious woman who wants to escape this world just like I do. I learnt that today too. I can accept her for whoever she is and whatever she has done. I have learnt to do that now, rather than judge somebody.

As long as I learn to keep my distance.

I've got a long week ahead in camp. Lets hope it will be a cool rainy weather the next few days. Hot sun is punishing.

I was just about to leave the house but it rained. Made me wonder why God would make rain on the day of church.
So I'm here, infront of the laptop. Waiting it out.

Wondering if people ever feel lonely when the rain sweeps in.

I think I may kind of understand what Karl means now, when he said he was at peace. Perhaps, what he meant, is that even though every person has their problems, the one at peace will realize that those problems are not all that huge, that somewhere out there, theres something larger than life itself. I'm at peace. I can accept everything right now. Oh, I've been listening to a lot of Journey lately.

So maybe I'll talk about what happened recently. Well..I kind of have some trouble remembering what I was doing the past few days.

I find it very intriguing, and sometimes frustrating, how a certain someone sifts in and out of my life so abruptly. At one moment, easily contactable, and the next, out of reach and mysterious. If only this person's life was like a book, I could open and read it, and find out more. It is certainly very refreshing, to hear her voice on the phone, to learn that she actually thinks about me. I'm always like this. Always wanting the ones I can never have. Always longing after the ones I never fully understand. The beauty of it is that we both lead separate lives, very different lives, occassionally crossing paths. I can accept that. She once said she was a nun in her past life. You know, its very weird, because I must have met her somewhere before. Maybe in the past life. I'd like to believe fate has a hand in this.

And then theres Baybeats. Honestly, it wasn't that big a deal. But I met a lot of nice people on the way. Fans, friends, whoever it may be, it was really nice meeting them. More exposure they say. I guess it worked eh? Still, Baybeats, to me, it was like an exclaimation mark to signify a new phase of life for me; next step would be NS. Yes,everyone has been bugging me about my hair being shaved off, and I always give the same answer: It's just hair.

My elder brother. Hmmm. You know, I wonder why is it only now that he's been trying to catch up. Let me tell you something about my brother. He holds a grudge on our dad, because dad disciplined him very strictly when he was younger. And up till now, bro has felt a sort of unfairness and prejudice. No one likes their lives to be confined in one direction, is that right? That kind of what he felt my dad was doing to him. My brother, forever trying to fit in, forever fighting to find his identity, but never finding inner peace. That's what makes me different from my brother and sister I guess; no matter what I did, I always did it so I could find peace in myself first. Oh, guess what, I just found out my bro knows Vivian Balakrishnan. Hmmmm. Theres something weird about siblings, for me now at least. Somehow, whether they're around or not, you always feel a sort of duty to support them, to keep tabs on them.

I have to go pick some clothes later for Clarence's and Jobeth's wedding. Congratulations to them!

Hmmm. Weddings....they're so surreal. Rituals to symbolize union. Everytime I go to a wedding, I wonder, what happens after that. Aren't weddings like dreams? What do people do after they've woken from a dream? Theres still life to go on about with, right? Everyone always says that, "Life must go on." They keep saying it that it really sounds like it is such a big deal. Life. Reality. The most depressing thing ever. It must go on.
I guess I could say the same for funerals. I was at a funeral once. It was my music teacher's dad's funeral. The only other time I remember going to a funeral was when I was 3: My grandfather's funeral. They are just as surreal. I dunno....I guess things always seem surreal when it separates us from the daily bustle of mundane life.

Parents are out of town for a week. I have the whole house to myself. I love this solitary existence.

Once in a while, I will head to the library and have a good read.

Read my old entries and my old blog. Must remember who I am. Or else I will be lost like all these other fuckers whose feet are nowhere near the ground.

I'm still waiting for a phonecall. Not really expecting it though. Wonder why people are so busy when I'm so free, and so free when I'm busy.

I think, from now on, I will be at peace with myself and everyone else.

And since I am now at peace, words fail me.

I wonder why it is so easy to admire somebody from afar. I know I'm quite intolerable. I know I have to be alone sometimes because everybody gets too irritating at one point.

I know I never really knew you. You told me some things about yourself, but I never got the whole picture about you.

Why do I have such feelings for you only now? It is weird.

Maybe it is the same as before. Maybe I have created an idea of you, to fall in love with.

I sure don't know who you really are. But I hope I don't ever get to, because I'm afraid you might not be perfect. But nobody is perfect, and that is why I must stay away.

I only see you every once in a blue moon. And getting to talk to you is even harder. Only once in a while, in the most unexpected moments, you'd come to me again, and I'd know just a little bit more about you, yet never getting the full picture. Rare. Shrouded in mystery. I just know I like being in your company.

But that's kind of how I like it.

Sometimes, I wish you knew more about me. That side of me that nobody has seen.
But I know, if you got to know that side of me, I would run away. Because things like that don't come so easy.

I remember when I was like you. Vulnerable. Dependent.

But not anymore. People change you know? And I've changed so I am no longer bothered by the problems you have. You may think I don't understand you at all. Where do I start? How am I supposed to explain to you what would take years to understand? Get used to it. Get used to getting hurt. Get used to disappointment. That's the best I can do to explain.

I've lent you my ear all this time, to lighten some of your burden. But don't abuse it.

It gets very annoying when you keep telling me all your troubles, and they are always the same. And I, as a friend, must constantly provide the same type of encouragement again and again. I really hate repeating myself.

Speaking of encouragement, you put me in a very hard position. How can I keep giving someone encouragement, when I know their situation is just doomed from the beginning? And yet, how can I divulge the painful truth? Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

And now you're mad at me. But I'm used to this sort of thing.

On the other hand, I guess this is why I never let people listen to my problems anymore. I'd like people to ask first.

Hmmm.

Now what was it that i was so upset about again? XD